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04-Aug-2020 13:38

“My daughter and I and her dad are really close and love each other loads.

My husband and I have always found his behaviour to her to be selfish, sexist, uncaring, disrespectful and at times cruel.

If anyone tries to interfere in his “territory” he will retaliate — he will turn your attempts into an excuse to further degrade you and he will continue to coerce your daughter into taking sides — he will do what it takes to make her be loyal and dependent on him, and to be disloyal and break away from you. Leaving a controlling man is the most dangerous time for many women.

Research shows that while in relationship with a coercively controlling man, women are constantly safety planning, constantly managing ways to keep herself (and her children if she has any) . The chance of further control, and further violence rises when she leaves, or threatens to leave.

He wants to spend all his time with her, but eventually won't allow her to spend time with her friends.

He says "I love you" very early in the relationship.

In my professional experience--counseling girls and their parents in this situation--this is a gross underestimation.

By this conservative figure, more than eight million girls per year in the United States alone will suffer at the hands of a violent boyfriend before their eighteenth birthdays. In America today, every nine seconds a teenage girl is battered by someone with whom she is in a relationship.

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What's most alarming is that these warning signs are also some of the behaviours that girls find most flattering: A boy pages and calls a girl often – but as a form of control, not affection.I have to confess that I am finding it all a terrible strain and miss my daughter very badly, but realise that there is not much else that we or anyone can do at this stage other than, whenever possible, to monitor the situation, fight against the increasing estrangement of our daughter from us her family, give her a bit of relief from the relentless abuse every now and again if we get a chance to do so, and make sure that if we get a chance to let her know we are there for her.” One mother told me that as time has gone by, she and her husband feel in a catch 22 situation because their daughter has drawn back from them even more, is less communicative and in less and less contact.

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